


Relapse

by FallOrLetGo



Series: Days of a Man's Crowded Mind [5]
Category: Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Days of A Man's Crowded Mind, Dissociation, Sanders Sides - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2018-03-15
Packaged: 2019-02-06 20:27:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12825429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallOrLetGo/pseuds/FallOrLetGo
Summary: "Thomas Sanders doesn't get insecure, he has his audience to care about."...Again? Again.





	1. You

It happened again. **Again.** _Why_ did it have to happen again?

His hands were shaking, the door to his bedroom was shut, and the only light that shined came from the dim laptop on his bed. His hands were tensely wrapped around his knees, and he tried to control his erratic breathing.

He promised himself that he would better the control of his emotions, that he wouldn’t freak out anymore. Things have been getting better, _he_ was getting better, yet, there he was, alone, trying to suppress the negativity coming from his own mind.

Thomas closed his eyes tightly, as if that would help the insecurity go away if he couldn’t see the rest of the world.

 _You have your job to do,_ Thomas’s head urged, reasoning against his mind. _This is all in your head. It doesn’t matter what you think, because it’s your job to care about what other people think, not to act on yourself,. Thomas Sanders doesn’t get insecure, he has his audience to care about._

Thomas held his pounding head, and his heartbeat jumped in his throat as the world around him felt blurry and distant in the midst of his drowning fear. **_Who would care if he was struggling?_** He had people to entertain, an image to maintain. Thomas was the wholesome, kind, creative guy who made people happy without asking for anything in return. He _liked_ being that guy, ~~so **why doesn’t he feel like him now?**~~

_How can you be a good person when you don’t feel like a good person all the time?_

~~You know you can be just as selfish as everyone in the world, who’s to say that you’re kinder than any other person? Do you assume that you’re superior than anyone else?~~

~~**That doesn’t make you a good person at all.** ~~

_I’m not better than anyone else! I don’t think that!_ Thomas countered helplessly.

~~… do you know that for sure? **Prove it;** explain this to me, Thomas, because I’m dying to hear you flounder and grovel about how you’re less egotistical than the rest of the world. You better call Roman, because I bet he sure can preach about your humility. ~~

… Thomas lost this battle before it even started.

~~That’s what I thought.~~

His bad thoughts were seeping into his head like a spilled ink well, coursing through his mind like veins moving blood. _Does_ he think he’s better than everyone else? What if he just suppresses that feeling, refusing to admit that he thinks such awful, awful things? _Does it make him a bad person if he thinks things he cannot control?_

Question after question racked his mind, and of course, the **wicked** answers swam alongside them. He could barely tell where he was anymore, it all felt like a painting, like it’s an illusion, a semblance of reality. Everything around him didn’t feel like it was _really_ there. It felt… imaginary, in a way.

He pushed those thoughts away. His throat was too dry, it felt like fresh sandpaper flicking bouts of pain with every choked breath. Through this ~~**_pathetic, stupid_ ** ~~ attack, his worry for the Sides never seemed to cease.

 _Would they judge me for this? What can they feel right now? Am I hurting them?_ **_God, I must be hurting them_ ** _. I can’t do this to them- all they do is protect me, and this is how I treat them? Am I making Virgil worse because of this? Is he going to harm himself again because of my thoughts?_

 

~~_… Are these even_ **_your_ ** _thoughts?_ ~~

  

Thomas stiffened, every movement of his ceased.

**_No._ **

**_Not this feeling again._ **

 

~~... What makes these thoughts ** _yours_**? ~~

 

 _I- I can’t bare this feeling again-_ **_please, please, please don’t let me think this again._ **

~~You’re comprised of four different people. How can you be a living, breathing human being if everything you’re made up of is based around your Sides? They live within you… They **control** you… they **are** you... ~~ ~~**_They make you, Thomas Sanders._ ** _How can you be anything at all if you’re a puppet of other beings?_~~

Thomas curled in on himself and pressed his fingernails roughly into his left arm. He needed to **feel** something, he needed to **fight this**.

“I am **real**. I am a human being. I am alive and living and I am **real**!” He whispered this mantra to himself harshly, repeating it like it was his lifeline, the tightrope that kept him grounded in reality. This isn’t the first time ~~**_and it won’t be the last_** ~~ that this has happened.

~~**How can you feel like a person when you’re entirely made up of completely other people?** ~~

_Other people… w_ _here were the others? What are they feeling? Why aren’t they here?_ Thomas thought that they’d feel him in his distress, that maybe they’d appear sooner, and ask what was going on. But… they weren’t there with him. **But they were** **_always_ ** **with him, because they** **_are_ ** **him...**

_Are they ignoring me?_

~~_Possibly._ ~~

_Can they avoid me?_

~~_Probably._ ~~

_… I have work to do… I have to get back to work…_

~~**_..._ ** ~~

_..._

~~**_...Now, we both know that’s not going to happen tonight._ ** ~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aha! You thought "Relapse" meant something different! Didn't you?
> 
> Hello again :) I apologize for it being over a month, I got a little swarmed with work, and I also couldn't really decide on what I wanted to do next with the story. Needless to say, I took a little bit of a darker, possibly-unexpected route for this one. I actually am not 100% sure where I want to head with this idea, but I think it's a good one. I don't think I've ever read a Sanders Sides fic that tackles this idea.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed! Constructive criticism (yes, I genuinely would love to hear ways to improve!), recommendations, rants, confessions, complaints, recipes, storytimes, and movie reviews, are all appreciated in the comments below ;) hope to see you all soon!


	2. Continuation Limited

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a message to all reading.

This isn't the next chapter, I just didn't want to leave those reading in a cliffhanger.

It has come to my attention that I should inform whomever reading that I won't be writing for a while. I recently experienced a loss in my personal life, and I am taking a bit of a break. I do not want to make a big deal out of it, and I apologize to whomever were excited to read more, but I don't really think staying subscribed to this story, series, or account would be a good idea, since it's going to be a long time. I don't want to say I'll never write again, but I don't think it'll be soon enough to still be engaged.

 

Take care, everyone. And like I said in It'll All Make Sense Again, you are so, so loved, regardless of if you don't feel that way. It's not common to flat out say "I love you" to friends, or to go on and explain all the things you love about someone you barely know. But, just tell someone you love them today, especially if they're not expecting it from you. It may seem pointless, but one has to remember, that it's only three words. Here, let me start: I love you all, and I know you all are wonderful.


	3. Not another chapter yet but hello

Hello!

So, seeing as it has been a bit too long (if any of you had noticed, but to be fair I'm still unsure how many of your subscribed to this Series), I'm considering continuing my writing again.

But like, not at this very second, because I have homework to do. And it's been a while so I don't think that I'll work as quickly as I used to.

For the curious minds, I unfortunately will not go into detail on the reasons to why I suddenly stopped writing, even though this is anonymous and I don't think anyone I know reads this, but I am still working through what had happened, so please excuse the amount of time it takes for me to get back to my usual antics.

But, to be optimistic, I'm trying :) and the idea of keeping this up again is a little reassuring.

 

So, in the comments (back to my usual final lines!) anyone can leave excited/upset remarks, what they've been up to as of late, favorite holidays and seasons (as Spring is just around the corner!), fanfics they'd totally recommend (I love Innerworks, The Haunting of Thomas Sanders, and The Shelf for Thomas Sanders fans, and The Desperate Type for Dear Evan Hansen fans!), and ideas for stories (oneshots or otherwise) they'd enjoy me incorporating into my little series :)

Take care of yourselves!!!

F <3


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